Sexist GQ asks if you’re a sexist

Jim Nelson and the “gentlemen” of GQ want to know if you’re a sexist in their September issue. Oddly enough, they also admit that’s exactly what they are shortly afterward. Scantily clad women chasing Cheeseballs. Tush. Burgers next to tush. Skin. Consider yourself objectified, ladies. Thanks for clearing that up for us, GQ!

I love GQ editor Jim Nelson and his liberal rants. The September 2012 issue of Gentlemen’s Quarterly is amazing, kicking off with Mr. Nelson mocking Mitt Romney for being a member of his high school Pep Club. Normally I’d respond to that, but it turns out that Jim and the manly men of GQ had a special treat in store for us: They want to know if we’re an “Office Sexist.”

There are any number of “Office Sexists.” Some include:

The Offensive Complimenter: Thinks women are so awesome and men are so dumb, because men are only good at being in charge and being successful, which is such a lame talent! Telltale line: “I think women are more organized, basically. That’s why they make better assistants.”

The Jolly Molester: Thinks the thinnest veneer of lame humor will prevent women from seeing the dark, unrelenting, insatiable horniness that lurks within him. Telltale line: “Hahahaha… Would it be funny if I talked about your boobs like I was sexist?”

The Straightforward: A throwback. So sexist it’s almost a relief. Telltale line: Holy shit, Sarah, that dress should be illegal!

You get the point. A bunch of “cool” liberal guys like Jim Nelson and the GQ staff aren’t sexist jerks, but they’re smart enough and witty enough to recognize such scoundrels — most likely conservatives, since they’re responsible for the “war on women” — and do a humorous little public service announcement in the mag. (I’ll link to the story if it shows up in the online edition.)

Nice, of them, right? But then a weird thing happened as I flipped a few pages ahead. I came across the latest piece on Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton and realized that Jim Nelson and Co. could be filed under any number of sexists they’ve chronicled. “The Straightforward” certainly fits, but instead I’ll create a new category: “The Jim Nelson.”

The Jim Nelson (“The GQ” is also acceptable): Successful guy who spits out self-righteous diatribes, and then sends photographers out to turn as many women as possible into sex objects.  Telltale Line: I’m so Progressive. I’m so smart. Man, I’m so glad that I’m not a sexist, racist, bigot conservative.

I can just imagine the GQ photoshoot for Cam’s story now.

Photographer: Okay ladies, I know these Cheeseballs seem out of place, but it works. Trust me. Frolic in the back of Cam’s truck, here. Conservatives haul gun racks, but GQ men haul women. Throw the Cheeseballs in the air. Maybe try and gobble a few of them before they hit the ground. What’s that? No, the Cheeseballs aren’t a metaphor for what I think you have in your head. No, I’m not exploiting you. Now Cam, eat the burger, but keep it close to that cheerleader’s ass. Burgers and ass close together. It speaks to men. Hungry men. Men who are hungry for juicy burgers — and ass. See how her little tush rubs up against your thigh as she crawls past you? Perfect. Jim Nelson is going to be so happy with this. He’ll die. This is GQ, guys. This is what Gentlemen’s Quarterly is all about.

Replace “that dress” with “that cheer leading outfit” and you have Jim Nelson, who in that very issue mocked Mitt Romney for being on the Pep Club. How ironic. Right, Jim?

Gentlemen’s Quarterly — The place to go when you want to know what’s in fashion next season with elitist liberal sexists.